I don't want to talk about it....

I am a bit stuck on Everything but the Girl lately after hearing this old song of their's on VH1 the other day. I remember this song from my childhood but never realised it was Everything but the Girl, who only became popular to me in 1996 when Missing was released LOL

I don't want to talk about it

I can tell by your eyes
That you've prob'bly been cryin' forever,
And the stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you
They're a mirror.

I don't want to talk about it
How you broke my heart.
If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart?

If I stand all alone
Will the shadow hide the color of my heart
Blue for the tears, black for the night's fears

And the stars in the sky don't mean nothin' to you
They're a mirror

I don't want to talk about it, how you broke my heart
If I stay here just a little bit longer
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart?
This ol' heart.

If I stay here just a little bit longer,
If I stay here, won't you listen to my heart?
My heart, whoa, heart.

I don't know..

I don't know how much more I can take.

I need out...
I need to cry but I can't.
I need to scream but I can't.
I need to love but ...
I need to forgive...
I need to move on...

I have nobody to talk to, so I talk to a stupid blog that nobody reads. How is a blog going to help me.

I feel so desperately alone..just cry goddammit...cry...scream...swear...anything...

But I just get up and move on, pretend, act...and it's wearing painfully thin

I can't do it anymore...I have had enough

Noooo not again

Fuck fuck fuck.
My baby is gone. Another one in four months
My beautiful, most loving, gorgeous Maestro. I am so sorry. I feel so guilty. I will miss you forever, you kisses, your weight as you sleep on top of me.

Why you?

Maestro was this skinny little runt we rescued from Kitten action. He was an ill baby and we could only take him home a week after adoption as he was on antibiotics. He grew into a beautiful, most loving cat. He gave me kisses, slept next to me most nights, waited on the staircase for me to give him a love and followed me almost everywhere.

We went away and the last time the neighbours saw him was the day before we got home. A neighbour from down the road said today he saw him (well he thinks it was him) on the road Saturday night...

My baby is gone and my heart is shattered.

I love you forever my boy...

Christmas

I hate it. I really do. Honestly. Blech. Puke. Argh

Nuff said.

Friendships

I got this phonecall from an old 'friend' today. Man it left me fuming! And it got me thinking about how we change and our friendships change with time.

This friend introduced my husband and I to each other. I had already had Miss V from a previous relationship so we almost became like an instant family. Soon the problems started, especially with his friends who didn't have time for us anymore. They just couldn't understand that we could not go out anymore at the drop of a hat because of Miss V. And on the odd occasion we had a night off suddenly they would all have excuses. I guess one can't expect a non parent to understand the life of a parent. But it hurt and it was upsetting. So with time we started drifting apart with only the odd invitation for my husband to join them for a poker night.

So recently one of the friends got married. And hubby didn't go to the bachelors as it was a whole weekend away from home. And no matter how much he tried to explain they weren't interested in hearing it. The groom to be basically had a very rude conversation with my husband after the fact, commenting on how 'some friends couldn't be bothered' to be at his bachelors. Again my husband tried to explain the whole thing about kids and family and not WANTING to go away with the boys for a whole weekend. He still didn't get it. The phonecall left a bitter taste in our mouths. We ran into the groom to be a week before the wedding and the conversation was stifled and curt.

We made the decision not to attend the wedding. And yes, here my husband was in the wrong. He didn't bother to let them know we weren't coming. So then phone call came today from the friend (not groom), to innocently ask me if we're ok as they thought something had happened to us. He of course tries to blame us but the blame lies both sides. We're never available for them, they're never available for us. Let's cut our losses I say. But nooooo, I had to get a speech first for not being there blah blah blah.

I am so tired of all this. I miss this friend dearly (the one who introduced us) but I am just as tired of the excuses and stories. And nobody is willing to understand that our free time is precious and does not come along all that often. So who is in the wrong here? No matter how much we try explain they don't get it! I said to him that it's not just a case of needing a babysitter or whatever but my husband spends hardly any time with me during the week because of busy schedules so he would much rather go out with friends and include me in the party than go play poker just with the boys. And because our time away from the kids is so limited could they not try understand a bit more and play along than just get angry when we can't fall in with their plans?

In my opinion I have now cut the losses. Farewell friend and thanks for the introduction to Carl. Best thing you ever did.

Stevie's coming home!!!

I am so so so excited! One of my bestest friends is coming back from the UK for a visit and I'm finally get to spend a whole entire full complete evening with him catching up! It's been a year since he was last home and we never go to see each other because of all his family plans.

Stevie, I am sooo looking forward to having a good fat chat again!!

xxx

Hugs & prayers

I can't believe a year has passed. A year ago today a beautiful little boy became an angel. Tammy and Eric my heart still bleeds for you. Know that you are very loved and have many people who care for you. I am so sorry for the pain you have to suffer. You are in my thoughts all the time.

And a year ago another two angels joined, Ashlee and hubby, my heart aches for you too. I can never begin to understand what you go through every day. I think about you constantly.