Trapping Angels in my Rearviewmirror

I was thinking for a blog name the one day. I didn’t want to choose something arb. I needed to have meaning, and sound good. At the time two songs were forever playing in my head and even though these songs separately have deep meaning to me, the combination of their titles made up something totally unique and sacred.

I could not decide for a while whether to share this meaning or keep it to myself. You should really make up your own meaning behind it. It could mean something personal to you. Anyway I reckon it’s an awesome title! I have decided to try explain me reason behind this title as maybe it’s would clarify just a bit about me.

Trapping Angels is a Tori Amos song which I for the life of me will not try and explain to you. I believe Tori Amos is one of those artists that you either love or hate. And that her lyrics speak to everyone on a different levels. None of her songs are really just straightforward “stories”. Sometimes one can argue that they are just plain weird! The lyrics follow below. You figure it out! LOL

Rearviewmirror is a Pearl Jam song that totally empowered me with the breakdown of a few relationships. I’ve added the lyrics below for the sake of interest. I believe it’s very self-explanatory.

I believe as human’s we are forever checking our rearviewmirror. There are not many people who never look back on life, and never reflect on what happened in their past. I also believe that I often try mask some of what happened in my past. I often think I try and trap angels in my rearviewmirror. So when I look back, it wasn’t that bad and my angels were there to protect me. Maybe that means I am not true to myself? Maybe I still live in that fairytale world? But when I look back, those angels uplift me, they tell me “girl, you’ve made it this far, you can go on”.

Rearviewmirror

I took a drive today

Time to emancipate

I guess it was the beatings

Made me wise

But I’m not about to give thanks, or apologise

I couldn’t breathe, holdin’ me down

Hand on my face, pushed to the ground

Enmity gauged, united by fear

Forced to endure what I could not forgive…

I seem to look away

Wounds in the mirror waved

It wasn’t my surface most defiled

Head at your feet, fool to your crown

Fist on my plate, swallowed it down

Enmity gauged, united by fear

Tried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw things x4

Clearer x2

Once you, were in my rearviewmirror

I gather speed from you f@#$ with me

Once and for all I’m far away

I hardly believe, finally the shades….are raised…

Saw things so much clearer once you, once you x2

Rearviewmirror

Trapping angels

And with a wink

And a smile

You toss your instructions on

How to catch a train

While it’s moving

You always were the one

That kept us all guessing

How you could survive

The fall you had

From Medicine Men

To my DJ friends

They all have said

“he’s got to watch his back”

CHORUS

They’re trapping angels

By to Potomac

But it’s not how you think

You’d be surprised

They Liberate

Your Dreamscape

Till you can’t remember

To recall

Where your wings

Have gone

Tell me where they’ve gone

From Jordan to Chicago

Another child is born

Trusting that we’ll get it

Right this time

I should’ve worn my glasses

You said just to trust

Then you chose

To sign the dotted line

From Modern Magdalenes

To my DJ friends

They all have said

‘he’s got to watch his back”

CHORUS

Before I close my eyes at night

I can still see you smilin’

Before the Truth was

Buried Alive

Did we prize it

Before you change the world

Maybe boy you should change

Your girl

They’re trapping angels

By the Potomac

They’re trapping angels

Lord I know this

They’re trapping angels

By to Potomac

But we’re getting closer

I said we’re getting closer

To where they’ve gone

Tell me where they’ve gone

Now it won’t be long

History makes me

My relationship history is what added to who I am today...

I am only listing long term involvements. There have been many inbetweeners no really worth mentioning.

Std 6-8 - Mr CAW.

My first “love”. And the man I thought, as a stupid teenager, I would marry one day. We broke up because he finished school and went to live with his father. I thought this was amicable. I dated his friend. He got the mad.

The first time I saw serious anger flash in a man’s eyes.

St 9-10 - Mr DvD.

A year younger than me. And the man I thought, as a stupid, older, teenager, I would marry one day. We broke up. I thought it was amicable. I wanted him back. He said no. He started dating someone else. He broke my heart.

The first time I saw the pain a man’s denial can cause.

St 10 - Mr NLT.

He was sweet. So sweet it made me sick. I left him. I broke his heart. We kind of remained friends for a while.

The first time I realised I also have the ability to hurt hearts.

1^st – 2^nd year Varsity - Mr SRF.

Admittedly my first TRUE love. A tumultuous and fiery relationship. Something that could never ever have worked. But it shattered me. It made me realize what I wanted and did not want in life. Today he is a person I respect immensely, someone I am still close friends with and someone who will hopefully stay a part of my life forever. And if he ever finds a GF or DW I will kill her with my bare hands if she hurts him.

The first time I realised love is not a fairytale and that love isn’t enough. Because if it was we would have stayed together.

3^rd Varsity and 3 years on - Mr AMC.

A pathetic little boy who almost ruined me, yet only made me stronger! Engaged at some point during this relationship. A feeble excuse of a human being with serious disorders and mental instability. A waste of life. My biggest regret.

The first time I realized I can also make serious mistakes in my life (did I say that? That I made a mistake??????)

2004-2005 - Mr DB.

Father of my beautiful daughter. Seeing her is an everyday reminder of him. But just a reminder that I am glad I got away from him. Fell pregnant after only 3-4 months of dating. Mistake mistake mistake! Slept with other woman at same time I fell pregnant. Loser. Pathetic. Useless. Pain is my backside that will always be part of my life. The second time I realised I made a huge mistake. But this mistake was not one I could just walk away from. I created a life with him.

2005 to present. Mr CAR. Husband. Father of my cutest boy. Saviour? Hero? Mistake? On the latter I sincerely hope not. Life has not been easy. I often think it’s a mistake. I often want to run away. I often want to cry. I often look at him and remember all the good. I often look at him and wonder why. I am going through changes (like the Ozzy Osbourne song hehehehe). I hope these changes are for the better because.

The first time I realised it's possible for somebody to love me for me. He has never asked me to change.

“DH I do love you. I don’t yet believe it’s enough and I can’t promise you anything right now. But I look at you and I want to cry. Cry because I wish I was different. Cry because I think I hurt you so much. Cry because you hurt me. Cry because I feel I failed us both. Cry because no matter what you believe, I think you are gorgeous, and because I sometimes phone you just to hear your voice”

The first thing that popped into my mind when I thought about whether love is enough in any relationship is…yeah…the lyrics to a song.

Patty Smyth and Don Henley did this amazing song many years ago (check when) called “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough”

Now I don’t want to lose you

But I don’t want to use you

Just to have somebody by my side

And I don’t want to hate you

I don’t want to take you

But I don’t want to be the one to cry

And that don’t really matter

To anyone anymore

But like a fool I keep losing my place

And I keep seeing you walk through that door

CHORUS

But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much

And it’s sad when you know

It’s your heart you can’t trust

There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are

Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough

Now I could never change you

And I don’t want to blame you

Baby you don’t have to take the fall

Yes I may have hurt you

But I did not desert you

Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder

It makes me feel like rain

And like a fool who will never see the truth

I keep thinking something’s gonna change

CHORUS

And there’s not way home

When it’s late at night and you’re all alone

Are the things that you wanted to say

And do you feel me beside you in your bed

There beside you where I used to lay

And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much

And it’s sad then you know it’s your heart they can’t touch

Theres a reason why people don’t staere who they are

Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough

So I guess since the first time I heard this song on the old Radio Port Natal station I always believed that was the truth. And I still do. Love isn’t enough. No matter how much you think it may be. And why do I say that? Well I love my son. I love him very very much. I carried him, I birthed him, I sat with him in hospital, I stayed home with him. But I do not believe I am the best mother I could be. My husband is his main, if not SOLE, caregiver. I don’t change him, I don’t feed him. I may bath him, give him the odd bottle, give some hugs and kisses but I do not care for him the way a mother should. But I don’t want to talk about my lack of natural parenting skills now.

My husband seems to think my love for him is enough to sustain our relationship and I do not believe that. I add nothing to his life. In fact I take away from it. I believe his life would be better without me and without my daughter. I believe he would have fewer troubles, better quality of life and maybe even the possibility of finding a better wife.

Now you may think, well why does she not just change? Because I don’t want to. Because I blindly believe I should not have to change who I am. Because I am stubborn and I don’t believe I am wrong. And because I still blindly believed in fairytale love like in the movies, where they lived happily ever after. And then reality hit me like a freight train and I have never been the same since then…

The monster in me

I like to think that I am never wrong…well there was that one time but then I discovered I had made a mistake. LOL I kill me!

No seriously, who ever like admitting they are ever wrong? Don’t we all like to think we can never make a mistake? Because if you are one of those people who just love saying sorry then you are stupid and you are looking for attention. Just my opinion, take it or leave it. Be too quick to apologise and you’re a suck up and unsure of yourself. So there!

But then I have days like today. Days where I feel very sorry for myself. Days where I wonder if I am really a good person. Days where I think I am worthless and probably to full of it. Days when I realize that I am truly the most stubborn person I know and that somebody should probably give me a tighty #THWACK#

I am in a bad place today. Today I am pondering life, my place in it and whether I really want to be here or not. Last night I almost left home. Today I am still not sure whether or not I want to stay. Am I staying for the right reasons? So I am pondering a few thoughts that I should deal with in the next few days/weeks or however long it takes. So in no particular order…

1) My depression

2) My marriage

3) What is love and is it enough to make things work?

4) When do I have the right to say “no more”?

5) If I think about suicide often does that mean I am suicidal?

6) Do I really love myself and am I good enough to be loved?

7) Why do I so desperately want to be pregnant again when I don’t want anymore children?

8) Why do I feel like such a failure in my work and marriage?

So there. I need to work through these in order to move forward in my life. I know these are quite serious topic and not what I had in mind for a blog. But hey, such is life.

Red red wine

No I'm not writing about the song, I'm writing about that burgundy liquid that leaves one with a mother of a headache the next day. And makes you write stupid posts on your regular chatting forum about being pissed. And then makes you feel stupid the next day for doing it.

I drank way too much wine last night. It was great fun while it lasted but today I have to pay the price. And the only price I wish to pay is to curl up in bed and stay there for about a week.

I don't mind hangovers so much but having a 3 year old motormouth rattle on at high volume the whole day can get a bit much. The other 2 kids (i.e. baby and husband) has gone out for a few hours so that helps a bit. Oh I wish she would go take a nap....then I can follow suit!

Teacher

My daughter has become an English teacher at the age of three. I am forever being corrected in my way of speaking and pronouncing words LOL
The best part of my day is after work, as I am busy washing our little boy's bottles, she stands next to me chattering away about her day. As usual I am a thousand miles away, reflecting on my own day at work, and inadvertently I start saying "mmmmmm" to everything she asks me. I am very quickly met with the following words:
"Don't just mmmm me, TALK PROPERLY!"
From the mouths of babes I tell you....

My life in a song.

Music has always had a big influence on my life. No I can't sing. I can't play any musical instruments. But I have this strange obsession with lyrics. I have had this obsession since I was a little girl and my dad made me listen to the words of The Girl With April In Her Eyes by Chris de Burgh. I was hooked. I will probably still bore you a lot with my ramblings about music LOL

Lately I have been a big Katie Melua fan. Out the blue. I never listened to her music before until I heard (and saw the video) of If you were a sailboat. It's off her new album called Pictures. And I fell in love.

Katie does this awesome rendition of In My Secret Life. Originally a Leonard Cohen song. Another favourite...Leonard leaves me weak the knees...anyway I love to digress...even more so when I have been drinking...see there I go again.

Well back to the song. Though I should at least put the lyrics here so you know what I am on about...but it's only really one verse that is important, so I'll make it bold.

"In My Secret Life"

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can't seem to loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There's no one in sight.
And we're still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile when I'm angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I'd die for the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I'll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

Looked through the paper. Makes you want to cry. Nobody cares if the people Live or die. And the dealer wants you thinking That it's either black or white. Thank God its not that simple In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I'm told:
From the latest hit,
To the wisdom of old.
But I'm always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it's crowded and cold
In My Secret Life.

Oh what a spine chilling song. It may mean nothing to you but I don't believe life is just black or white. And life is not simple. And thank God I have my secret life or I would never survive this crazy world

It's a start

Well this is all very new to me...
Blogging is apparently the in thing. I don't know if I can write. Or what to write. And would anybody even want to read it?
I used to write a lot when I was a student. Stuff that made sense to me, maybe not to others. I used to write during lectures instead of listening. I used to write instead of studying. Now I am 12 years older and wiser, I would think, and I can't fathom what others would find interesting about me.

Ok so here is something that plays heavily on my mind lately....
Was I meant to be a mother?
I have 2 kids. A daughter, 3 years old. A son, going on 11 months.
I always said I would never get married and never have kids. I told my parents they had enough grandchildren from my siblings (7 at that time) so I did not need to provide them with more.

And then I fell pregnant, by accident, with my daughter. Who is not, by the way, my husband's biological child. I was in a rocky relationship for only 3-4months when I got pregnant. I gave up going overseas for this guy and well, obviously it did not work out. I pretty much knew that it wouldn't even before I got pregnant!

I met my husband when my daughter was only 7 months old. I told him from the get go, we come as a package, you don't like it, leave NOW. He didn't leave...
We married a year later and fell pregnant with our son on our wedding night. I was broody, then moody, then hell to live with. Divorce was threatened many times (by me). We stuck it out.

I digress...I just don't think sometimes I'm a good enough mother. I listen to other mother's who love playing with their kids for hours. Who would love to sit home with them the whole day. Who happily cook them freshly prepared, well nourishing meals, with love. I don't cook. And I don't plan on learning any time soon...

Do I love them? Of course I do. But is love enough?
Was I really meant to be a mother? Or is someone playing some awfully sick joke on me?