History makes me

My relationship history is what added to who I am today...

I am only listing long term involvements. There have been many inbetweeners no really worth mentioning.

Std 6-8 - Mr CAW.

My first “love”. And the man I thought, as a stupid teenager, I would marry one day. We broke up because he finished school and went to live with his father. I thought this was amicable. I dated his friend. He got the mad.

The first time I saw serious anger flash in a man’s eyes.

St 9-10 - Mr DvD.

A year younger than me. And the man I thought, as a stupid, older, teenager, I would marry one day. We broke up. I thought it was amicable. I wanted him back. He said no. He started dating someone else. He broke my heart.

The first time I saw the pain a man’s denial can cause.

St 10 - Mr NLT.

He was sweet. So sweet it made me sick. I left him. I broke his heart. We kind of remained friends for a while.

The first time I realised I also have the ability to hurt hearts.

1^st – 2^nd year Varsity - Mr SRF.

Admittedly my first TRUE love. A tumultuous and fiery relationship. Something that could never ever have worked. But it shattered me. It made me realize what I wanted and did not want in life. Today he is a person I respect immensely, someone I am still close friends with and someone who will hopefully stay a part of my life forever. And if he ever finds a GF or DW I will kill her with my bare hands if she hurts him.

The first time I realised love is not a fairytale and that love isn’t enough. Because if it was we would have stayed together.

3^rd Varsity and 3 years on - Mr AMC.

A pathetic little boy who almost ruined me, yet only made me stronger! Engaged at some point during this relationship. A feeble excuse of a human being with serious disorders and mental instability. A waste of life. My biggest regret.

The first time I realized I can also make serious mistakes in my life (did I say that? That I made a mistake??????)

2004-2005 - Mr DB.

Father of my beautiful daughter. Seeing her is an everyday reminder of him. But just a reminder that I am glad I got away from him. Fell pregnant after only 3-4 months of dating. Mistake mistake mistake! Slept with other woman at same time I fell pregnant. Loser. Pathetic. Useless. Pain is my backside that will always be part of my life. The second time I realised I made a huge mistake. But this mistake was not one I could just walk away from. I created a life with him.

2005 to present. Mr CAR. Husband. Father of my cutest boy. Saviour? Hero? Mistake? On the latter I sincerely hope not. Life has not been easy. I often think it’s a mistake. I often want to run away. I often want to cry. I often look at him and remember all the good. I often look at him and wonder why. I am going through changes (like the Ozzy Osbourne song hehehehe). I hope these changes are for the better because.

The first time I realised it's possible for somebody to love me for me. He has never asked me to change.

“DH I do love you. I don’t yet believe it’s enough and I can’t promise you anything right now. But I look at you and I want to cry. Cry because I wish I was different. Cry because I think I hurt you so much. Cry because you hurt me. Cry because I feel I failed us both. Cry because no matter what you believe, I think you are gorgeous, and because I sometimes phone you just to hear your voice”