Christmas

I hate it. I really do. Honestly. Blech. Puke. Argh

Nuff said.

Friendships

I got this phonecall from an old 'friend' today. Man it left me fuming! And it got me thinking about how we change and our friendships change with time.

This friend introduced my husband and I to each other. I had already had Miss V from a previous relationship so we almost became like an instant family. Soon the problems started, especially with his friends who didn't have time for us anymore. They just couldn't understand that we could not go out anymore at the drop of a hat because of Miss V. And on the odd occasion we had a night off suddenly they would all have excuses. I guess one can't expect a non parent to understand the life of a parent. But it hurt and it was upsetting. So with time we started drifting apart with only the odd invitation for my husband to join them for a poker night.

So recently one of the friends got married. And hubby didn't go to the bachelors as it was a whole weekend away from home. And no matter how much he tried to explain they weren't interested in hearing it. The groom to be basically had a very rude conversation with my husband after the fact, commenting on how 'some friends couldn't be bothered' to be at his bachelors. Again my husband tried to explain the whole thing about kids and family and not WANTING to go away with the boys for a whole weekend. He still didn't get it. The phonecall left a bitter taste in our mouths. We ran into the groom to be a week before the wedding and the conversation was stifled and curt.

We made the decision not to attend the wedding. And yes, here my husband was in the wrong. He didn't bother to let them know we weren't coming. So then phone call came today from the friend (not groom), to innocently ask me if we're ok as they thought something had happened to us. He of course tries to blame us but the blame lies both sides. We're never available for them, they're never available for us. Let's cut our losses I say. But nooooo, I had to get a speech first for not being there blah blah blah.

I am so tired of all this. I miss this friend dearly (the one who introduced us) but I am just as tired of the excuses and stories. And nobody is willing to understand that our free time is precious and does not come along all that often. So who is in the wrong here? No matter how much we try explain they don't get it! I said to him that it's not just a case of needing a babysitter or whatever but my husband spends hardly any time with me during the week because of busy schedules so he would much rather go out with friends and include me in the party than go play poker just with the boys. And because our time away from the kids is so limited could they not try understand a bit more and play along than just get angry when we can't fall in with their plans?

In my opinion I have now cut the losses. Farewell friend and thanks for the introduction to Carl. Best thing you ever did.

Stevie's coming home!!!

I am so so so excited! One of my bestest friends is coming back from the UK for a visit and I'm finally get to spend a whole entire full complete evening with him catching up! It's been a year since he was last home and we never go to see each other because of all his family plans.

Stevie, I am sooo looking forward to having a good fat chat again!!

xxx

Hugs & prayers

I can't believe a year has passed. A year ago today a beautiful little boy became an angel. Tammy and Eric my heart still bleeds for you. Know that you are very loved and have many people who care for you. I am so sorry for the pain you have to suffer. You are in my thoughts all the time.

And a year ago another two angels joined, Ashlee and hubby, my heart aches for you too. I can never begin to understand what you go through every day. I think about you constantly.

Hooray for boobies

Finally, at the age of 30, I have a cleavage!!! WHOOP WHOOP!! Ok Ok this isn't me in the pic haha

I wasn't even IN the line for getting boobies when adolescence hit. The only time they looked half decent was when I was pregnant. But two pregnancies later they looked even worse. So it was time to take drastic action and finally the opportunity arose for me to have breast augmentation.

I had been doing research on it for quite some time and researched some doctors. The initial surgeon I really liked unfortunately never answered the phone when I finally wanted to make that appointment. I went with the surgeon that also did my colleagues boobs and incidentally found out later he also did surgery on my dad's legs. So anyway, at least he was known and on the association's website so I felt comfortable.

The first consult was easy peasy. He told me I was a perfect candidate. "No kidding dude" I thought. He very nicely explained the whole procedure to me, told me how much it would cost *gulp* and said, "ok when would you like to have it done? I am available tomorrow?". I learnt that this doctor also had a wicked sense of humour which really helps when you're a bit nervous.

So we decided on 12th November 08. All the finances sorted, leave organised, all I had to do was wait. 2 Weeks had never felt this long in my life. Not even waiting for my child to be born! But finally the day arrived and off we went to hospital. We did all the usual questionnaires, checks etc. Doc came to draw pretty little lines over my boobies and the weirdo cool aneathetist came to say hi. I got given to tablets, Dormicum, to 'calm' me. Whoah baby, I passed out mid sentence and gave my husband the biggest fright of his life!

When they came to wheel me down I had to wee but was so drugged I wasn't allowed to go to the toilet, so I had to use a commode. Whahaha what an experience! So anyway we get going down to theatre and hubby was allowed to come along for a walk up to the entrance. Doc came passed with my boobs in a box, proudly displaying his shopping bag as he walks passed.

I got wheeled down this loooooong corridor and into theatre, where quickly they put the monitors on me and strapped my arms down. The aneathetist found the vein and I felt this immense ache running up my arm. The thought of "Fuck that's sore" started forming in my head and on my mouth, but I was gone!

I woke up extremely groggy and really don't remember much. I was in quite a bit of pain but they kept that at bay with painmeds. I really struggled to breathe because of the tight bandages so they gave me a nasal oxygen tube. That helped a bit. The worst was not being able to move at all. No sitting up nothing! I was like this for 24 hours and I am happy I don't remember all that much of it. I got more of the good drugs to sleep which at least knocked me out for 8 hours solid.

The next day they came to cut the bandages and remove the drains and after a while I was finally ready to go home. It's been 3 weeks now and so far so good. They are still sensitive but getting better every day. A few more months and I am doing the biggest bra shop ever in my life! I am not allowed to wear underwires yet so sports bras etc will have to do. But it's lovely to finally have something there. To feel feminine and able to by clothes that FIT! Worth every single cent, for sure!!

My thoughts on parenting

I don’t see myself as a mommy know-it-all but I find myself not really reading forums based on parenting questions/abilities and experiences. I don’t often ask questions. I don’t post brag posts. I don’t even comment much. Because my idea of parenting is so vastly different from other mom’s I’ve met. And that is exactly why I say I’m not a know-it-all because it’s not like I am quick to offer advice either. I guess I have an ‘each to its own’ approach. Sometimes though I don’t know if this is normal and so, I asked my husband the other day “What is wrong with me?” He laughed! But he said to me, “Love, you are who you are, and you’re a perfectly good mom!” Bless him hahaha!

I don’t know all the answers to everything. I have two kids - 3y7m old daughter and a 14month old son. And for some reason even though I don’t have the answers to everything about them I don’t ask for advice…

Is this because

a) I think nobody knows better than me? NO

b) I might hear something I don’t want to hear? NO

c) I don’t care enough? NO

d) Or maybe, just maybe, I am so relaxed about parenting I won’t allow myself to become paranoid and ask for 100s of different opinions. Hearing so many different opinions from people can cause great confusion you know and some people can be very adamant that their reasoning is the only correct one.

Sometimes though, I wish I was like so many other mommies I know. They are SO into their kids and talk about them all the time. They brag about every toofie that breaks through, the first step, the first everything. They can’t wait to go home after work to spend time with their kids and try out a new recipe for them. They can talk for hours about what they did with their kids over the weekends. Their kids consume their lives. Is that necessarily a bad thing? No, I don’t think so, but I still love my independence from my children, I love still feeling that I am my own person. I am me, a wife, a lover, a friend, an employee. Not JUST a mommy.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and their milestones are so important to me, but for some reason I didn’t even tell people when my son started walking properly on his own, never mind when his teeth came out. And I normally can’t wait to get home after a hectic day in the office, but not to jump straight into my parenting duties, no! I want to sit down and put my feet up, have a glass of wine with my husband…relax! Weekends I can’t wait for the odd night when the babysitter would come and my husband and I can have a night out.

Does this make me a bad mother? No I don’t think so. Not at all! I can tell you something, my kids have everything they need. I love them very much and do my best for them. They are happy, well loved and well looked after kids. And they are very independent. My daughter hardly suffered separation anxiety EVER, and my son doesn’t really show signs of it. They know they are loved, but they know Mom and Dad don’t give up their entire lives for them.

I know many of you won’t agree with my way of parenting but it has worked a charm for us. Let me share something else it has done for my kids…when my daughter was very young I would not run to her room when I woke in the morning. If she cried for her morning bottle I would give it to her (when she was old enough to drink on her own) and leave her there. Often she would fall asleep again afterwards anyway, so I would crawl back into bed for a bit. She learnt through this to play on her own until we came through to her. My son is doing the same thing. Only difference is he has an older sister who will now go sit in his room with him and ‘read’ to him, sing to him or just hand him some toys while he is in his cot. And mom and dad get’s another hour’s sleep. Pure bliss.

Do I sound evil yet? Wait till I tell you about my bedtime techniques. Bedtime has always been strictly adhered to. No, I didn’t leave my kids to cry for hours on end, but with a firm voice they very quickly learnt that once they’ve been put in bed, there they will stay. And now, both of them go to bed 99% of the time without a single moan and groan. No running into the room with the slightest moan and being picked up. It doesn’t work for us. A child learns to manipulate from a very young age and frankly I believe a baby CAN be spoilt. Again, do not get me wrong, if you want to spoil your baby there is nothing wrong with it. If you want to hold your baby until she falls asleep, there is nothing wrong with it. You find the parenting techniques that work for you and make you comfortable. Not being a ‘soppy mommy’ works for me…and my kids!

I must admit my hubby is a little soppier than me though! When the little man doesn’t want to eat, he freaks out. “Why isn’t he eating? What else can I give him? Maybe he is unwell? Can we try making some other food?” Hah! Normally he is met by my response which is more often than not “If he doesn’t want to eat, take him to bed!” Evil, right? You may think so, but I will not make 5 different plates of food until the little bugger decided to eat something! He has to learn from a young age how things are going to be. Again, I don’t just dump a horrid meal in front of him, he gets a selection of finger foods, different flavours, textures, colours…all things he normally would enjoy…but I will not lose any sleep over him not wanting to eat.

My hopes for my children are to grow up independent and strong. To not feel that they can’t do anything unless mommy or daddy is holding their hand, and at the same time know that I love them with everything in me.

O gosh!

Has it been that long already. I have been terrible. Almost three full months and no blogging. I disgust me. A lot happens in 3 months I suppose. Just trying to break them up into themes and get writing again for a change!
Thing is half the time I don't know WHAT to write, I hit a blank. And I hate writing crap. Oh well. I'll try harder.

PS The pic I chose today is the fabric of my newest fabbest handbag, isn't it so yummy? LOL

RIP Xavier my darling...

Today my beautiful angel cat, Xavier, died. He was hit by a car we presume, as our neighbour saw him on the side of the road and came to tell us.

Xavier was a gorgeous half persian, with the softer thick black fur and the gentlest, yet skittish personality. He did not like to be picked up but would love a gentle rub when he was in the mood.

We found it quite strange that he ran into the road as he was always afraid of loud noises, so we think he might have gotten a fright and bolted.

I did not go out to look at him, I could not stomach it, but Carl says he is convinced he died instantly, which does bring me come degree of comfort. I would hate to even think that he suffered at all. My husband kindly took him to the emergency vet so they could dispose of the body, I did not feel comfortable with burying him here as we live in a complex with very little garden space.

My darling Xavier was not even 2 years old, so practically still a kitten. I love you my boy, and will miss you forever. RIP.

Motor Mouth

I have not written in a while. I've had bloggers block. I've been miserable. I've been stressed.

Anyway, today I have prayed and prayed for a little bit of silence. For my 3 year old to just stop talking for 5 minutes. To just stop asking questions over and over again. The same question...until my answer is satisfactory. Just 5 minutes!!!

She opens her eyes and it starts with her
"mommy no school today?"
"Yes V there is school"
"No!"
"Yes V it's Monday, monday is school"
"MG school?"
"Yes"
"Can I wear my green shirt?"
"It's dirty"
"But I want to"
"It's in the wash V"
"NO!"
*sigh*
"Mommy I'm hungry"
"you will get porridge at school"
"No, I don't want to"
"V you are not eating now"
"Must I eat at school"
"Yes"
"But I'm thirsty"
"Have water"
"No I want juice"
*sigh*

That is just the first 5 minutes of my day. Please tell me I am not the only one and tell me you feel sorry for me???????

Trapping Angels in my Rearviewmirror

I was thinking for a blog name the one day. I didn’t want to choose something arb. I needed to have meaning, and sound good. At the time two songs were forever playing in my head and even though these songs separately have deep meaning to me, the combination of their titles made up something totally unique and sacred.

I could not decide for a while whether to share this meaning or keep it to myself. You should really make up your own meaning behind it. It could mean something personal to you. Anyway I reckon it’s an awesome title! I have decided to try explain me reason behind this title as maybe it’s would clarify just a bit about me.

Trapping Angels is a Tori Amos song which I for the life of me will not try and explain to you. I believe Tori Amos is one of those artists that you either love or hate. And that her lyrics speak to everyone on a different levels. None of her songs are really just straightforward “stories”. Sometimes one can argue that they are just plain weird! The lyrics follow below. You figure it out! LOL

Rearviewmirror is a Pearl Jam song that totally empowered me with the breakdown of a few relationships. I’ve added the lyrics below for the sake of interest. I believe it’s very self-explanatory.

I believe as human’s we are forever checking our rearviewmirror. There are not many people who never look back on life, and never reflect on what happened in their past. I also believe that I often try mask some of what happened in my past. I often think I try and trap angels in my rearviewmirror. So when I look back, it wasn’t that bad and my angels were there to protect me. Maybe that means I am not true to myself? Maybe I still live in that fairytale world? But when I look back, those angels uplift me, they tell me “girl, you’ve made it this far, you can go on”.

Rearviewmirror

I took a drive today

Time to emancipate

I guess it was the beatings

Made me wise

But I’m not about to give thanks, or apologise

I couldn’t breathe, holdin’ me down

Hand on my face, pushed to the ground

Enmity gauged, united by fear

Forced to endure what I could not forgive…

I seem to look away

Wounds in the mirror waved

It wasn’t my surface most defiled

Head at your feet, fool to your crown

Fist on my plate, swallowed it down

Enmity gauged, united by fear

Tried to endure what I could not forgive

Saw things x4

Clearer x2

Once you, were in my rearviewmirror

I gather speed from you f@#$ with me

Once and for all I’m far away

I hardly believe, finally the shades….are raised…

Saw things so much clearer once you, once you x2

Rearviewmirror

Trapping angels

And with a wink

And a smile

You toss your instructions on

How to catch a train

While it’s moving

You always were the one

That kept us all guessing

How you could survive

The fall you had

From Medicine Men

To my DJ friends

They all have said

“he’s got to watch his back”

CHORUS

They’re trapping angels

By to Potomac

But it’s not how you think

You’d be surprised

They Liberate

Your Dreamscape

Till you can’t remember

To recall

Where your wings

Have gone

Tell me where they’ve gone

From Jordan to Chicago

Another child is born

Trusting that we’ll get it

Right this time

I should’ve worn my glasses

You said just to trust

Then you chose

To sign the dotted line

From Modern Magdalenes

To my DJ friends

They all have said

‘he’s got to watch his back”

CHORUS

Before I close my eyes at night

I can still see you smilin’

Before the Truth was

Buried Alive

Did we prize it

Before you change the world

Maybe boy you should change

Your girl

They’re trapping angels

By the Potomac

They’re trapping angels

Lord I know this

They’re trapping angels

By to Potomac

But we’re getting closer

I said we’re getting closer

To where they’ve gone

Tell me where they’ve gone

Now it won’t be long

History makes me

My relationship history is what added to who I am today...

I am only listing long term involvements. There have been many inbetweeners no really worth mentioning.

Std 6-8 - Mr CAW.

My first “love”. And the man I thought, as a stupid teenager, I would marry one day. We broke up because he finished school and went to live with his father. I thought this was amicable. I dated his friend. He got the mad.

The first time I saw serious anger flash in a man’s eyes.

St 9-10 - Mr DvD.

A year younger than me. And the man I thought, as a stupid, older, teenager, I would marry one day. We broke up. I thought it was amicable. I wanted him back. He said no. He started dating someone else. He broke my heart.

The first time I saw the pain a man’s denial can cause.

St 10 - Mr NLT.

He was sweet. So sweet it made me sick. I left him. I broke his heart. We kind of remained friends for a while.

The first time I realised I also have the ability to hurt hearts.

1^st – 2^nd year Varsity - Mr SRF.

Admittedly my first TRUE love. A tumultuous and fiery relationship. Something that could never ever have worked. But it shattered me. It made me realize what I wanted and did not want in life. Today he is a person I respect immensely, someone I am still close friends with and someone who will hopefully stay a part of my life forever. And if he ever finds a GF or DW I will kill her with my bare hands if she hurts him.

The first time I realised love is not a fairytale and that love isn’t enough. Because if it was we would have stayed together.

3^rd Varsity and 3 years on - Mr AMC.

A pathetic little boy who almost ruined me, yet only made me stronger! Engaged at some point during this relationship. A feeble excuse of a human being with serious disorders and mental instability. A waste of life. My biggest regret.

The first time I realized I can also make serious mistakes in my life (did I say that? That I made a mistake??????)

2004-2005 - Mr DB.

Father of my beautiful daughter. Seeing her is an everyday reminder of him. But just a reminder that I am glad I got away from him. Fell pregnant after only 3-4 months of dating. Mistake mistake mistake! Slept with other woman at same time I fell pregnant. Loser. Pathetic. Useless. Pain is my backside that will always be part of my life. The second time I realised I made a huge mistake. But this mistake was not one I could just walk away from. I created a life with him.

2005 to present. Mr CAR. Husband. Father of my cutest boy. Saviour? Hero? Mistake? On the latter I sincerely hope not. Life has not been easy. I often think it’s a mistake. I often want to run away. I often want to cry. I often look at him and remember all the good. I often look at him and wonder why. I am going through changes (like the Ozzy Osbourne song hehehehe). I hope these changes are for the better because.

The first time I realised it's possible for somebody to love me for me. He has never asked me to change.

“DH I do love you. I don’t yet believe it’s enough and I can’t promise you anything right now. But I look at you and I want to cry. Cry because I wish I was different. Cry because I think I hurt you so much. Cry because you hurt me. Cry because I feel I failed us both. Cry because no matter what you believe, I think you are gorgeous, and because I sometimes phone you just to hear your voice”

The first thing that popped into my mind when I thought about whether love is enough in any relationship is…yeah…the lyrics to a song.

Patty Smyth and Don Henley did this amazing song many years ago (check when) called “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough”

Now I don’t want to lose you

But I don’t want to use you

Just to have somebody by my side

And I don’t want to hate you

I don’t want to take you

But I don’t want to be the one to cry

And that don’t really matter

To anyone anymore

But like a fool I keep losing my place

And I keep seeing you walk through that door

CHORUS

But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much

And it’s sad when you know

It’s your heart you can’t trust

There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are

Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough

Now I could never change you

And I don’t want to blame you

Baby you don’t have to take the fall

Yes I may have hurt you

But I did not desert you

Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder

It makes me feel like rain

And like a fool who will never see the truth

I keep thinking something’s gonna change

CHORUS

And there’s not way home

When it’s late at night and you’re all alone

Are the things that you wanted to say

And do you feel me beside you in your bed

There beside you where I used to lay

And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much

And it’s sad then you know it’s your heart they can’t touch

Theres a reason why people don’t staere who they are

Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough

So I guess since the first time I heard this song on the old Radio Port Natal station I always believed that was the truth. And I still do. Love isn’t enough. No matter how much you think it may be. And why do I say that? Well I love my son. I love him very very much. I carried him, I birthed him, I sat with him in hospital, I stayed home with him. But I do not believe I am the best mother I could be. My husband is his main, if not SOLE, caregiver. I don’t change him, I don’t feed him. I may bath him, give him the odd bottle, give some hugs and kisses but I do not care for him the way a mother should. But I don’t want to talk about my lack of natural parenting skills now.

My husband seems to think my love for him is enough to sustain our relationship and I do not believe that. I add nothing to his life. In fact I take away from it. I believe his life would be better without me and without my daughter. I believe he would have fewer troubles, better quality of life and maybe even the possibility of finding a better wife.

Now you may think, well why does she not just change? Because I don’t want to. Because I blindly believe I should not have to change who I am. Because I am stubborn and I don’t believe I am wrong. And because I still blindly believed in fairytale love like in the movies, where they lived happily ever after. And then reality hit me like a freight train and I have never been the same since then…

The monster in me

I like to think that I am never wrong…well there was that one time but then I discovered I had made a mistake. LOL I kill me!

No seriously, who ever like admitting they are ever wrong? Don’t we all like to think we can never make a mistake? Because if you are one of those people who just love saying sorry then you are stupid and you are looking for attention. Just my opinion, take it or leave it. Be too quick to apologise and you’re a suck up and unsure of yourself. So there!

But then I have days like today. Days where I feel very sorry for myself. Days where I wonder if I am really a good person. Days where I think I am worthless and probably to full of it. Days when I realize that I am truly the most stubborn person I know and that somebody should probably give me a tighty #THWACK#

I am in a bad place today. Today I am pondering life, my place in it and whether I really want to be here or not. Last night I almost left home. Today I am still not sure whether or not I want to stay. Am I staying for the right reasons? So I am pondering a few thoughts that I should deal with in the next few days/weeks or however long it takes. So in no particular order…

1) My depression

2) My marriage

3) What is love and is it enough to make things work?

4) When do I have the right to say “no more”?

5) If I think about suicide often does that mean I am suicidal?

6) Do I really love myself and am I good enough to be loved?

7) Why do I so desperately want to be pregnant again when I don’t want anymore children?

8) Why do I feel like such a failure in my work and marriage?

So there. I need to work through these in order to move forward in my life. I know these are quite serious topic and not what I had in mind for a blog. But hey, such is life.

Red red wine

No I'm not writing about the song, I'm writing about that burgundy liquid that leaves one with a mother of a headache the next day. And makes you write stupid posts on your regular chatting forum about being pissed. And then makes you feel stupid the next day for doing it.

I drank way too much wine last night. It was great fun while it lasted but today I have to pay the price. And the only price I wish to pay is to curl up in bed and stay there for about a week.

I don't mind hangovers so much but having a 3 year old motormouth rattle on at high volume the whole day can get a bit much. The other 2 kids (i.e. baby and husband) has gone out for a few hours so that helps a bit. Oh I wish she would go take a nap....then I can follow suit!

Teacher

My daughter has become an English teacher at the age of three. I am forever being corrected in my way of speaking and pronouncing words LOL
The best part of my day is after work, as I am busy washing our little boy's bottles, she stands next to me chattering away about her day. As usual I am a thousand miles away, reflecting on my own day at work, and inadvertently I start saying "mmmmmm" to everything she asks me. I am very quickly met with the following words:
"Don't just mmmm me, TALK PROPERLY!"
From the mouths of babes I tell you....

My life in a song.

Music has always had a big influence on my life. No I can't sing. I can't play any musical instruments. But I have this strange obsession with lyrics. I have had this obsession since I was a little girl and my dad made me listen to the words of The Girl With April In Her Eyes by Chris de Burgh. I was hooked. I will probably still bore you a lot with my ramblings about music LOL

Lately I have been a big Katie Melua fan. Out the blue. I never listened to her music before until I heard (and saw the video) of If you were a sailboat. It's off her new album called Pictures. And I fell in love.

Katie does this awesome rendition of In My Secret Life. Originally a Leonard Cohen song. Another favourite...Leonard leaves me weak the knees...anyway I love to digress...even more so when I have been drinking...see there I go again.

Well back to the song. Though I should at least put the lyrics here so you know what I am on about...but it's only really one verse that is important, so I'll make it bold.

"In My Secret Life"

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can't seem to loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There's no one in sight.
And we're still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile when I'm angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I'd die for the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I'll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

Looked through the paper. Makes you want to cry. Nobody cares if the people Live or die. And the dealer wants you thinking That it's either black or white. Thank God its not that simple In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I'm told:
From the latest hit,
To the wisdom of old.
But I'm always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it's crowded and cold
In My Secret Life.

Oh what a spine chilling song. It may mean nothing to you but I don't believe life is just black or white. And life is not simple. And thank God I have my secret life or I would never survive this crazy world

It's a start

Well this is all very new to me...
Blogging is apparently the in thing. I don't know if I can write. Or what to write. And would anybody even want to read it?
I used to write a lot when I was a student. Stuff that made sense to me, maybe not to others. I used to write during lectures instead of listening. I used to write instead of studying. Now I am 12 years older and wiser, I would think, and I can't fathom what others would find interesting about me.

Ok so here is something that plays heavily on my mind lately....
Was I meant to be a mother?
I have 2 kids. A daughter, 3 years old. A son, going on 11 months.
I always said I would never get married and never have kids. I told my parents they had enough grandchildren from my siblings (7 at that time) so I did not need to provide them with more.

And then I fell pregnant, by accident, with my daughter. Who is not, by the way, my husband's biological child. I was in a rocky relationship for only 3-4months when I got pregnant. I gave up going overseas for this guy and well, obviously it did not work out. I pretty much knew that it wouldn't even before I got pregnant!

I met my husband when my daughter was only 7 months old. I told him from the get go, we come as a package, you don't like it, leave NOW. He didn't leave...
We married a year later and fell pregnant with our son on our wedding night. I was broody, then moody, then hell to live with. Divorce was threatened many times (by me). We stuck it out.

I digress...I just don't think sometimes I'm a good enough mother. I listen to other mother's who love playing with their kids for hours. Who would love to sit home with them the whole day. Who happily cook them freshly prepared, well nourishing meals, with love. I don't cook. And I don't plan on learning any time soon...

Do I love them? Of course I do. But is love enough?
Was I really meant to be a mother? Or is someone playing some awfully sick joke on me?